‘Ho Ho Fucking Ho Ho’
I am praying this next year has just got to be better than the poxy last one, and if I am really honest I truly believe it is gonna be my year. I have got too many irons in the fire for one of them not to come off, and one of um will come off I promise ya! Thanks to all of ya who follow the site and you don’t know how much it really really helped me through the most painful and humiliating time I have ever had, honestly your support has humbled me and I love ya for that.
I am truly sorry the site ain't been updated or attended to as much as it should have been, but as you would imagine the Jen thing has just altered everything and the knock on effect of it all has been quite devastating for me in all departments, which has been a dream come true for the police, given ammunition to certain people to hurt and weaken me, and after nicking me, calling me a grass, trying to kill me in my car, cutting off every avenue of earning money, I have to now be on the side lines, supposedly, and just watching as it hopefully fucks things right up for me and from the inside which is more embarrassing than anything else.
They are entitled to be gloating and feel they are winning in their battle to destroy everything I'm doing and stand for, but I'm back to all cylinders firing away, and intend to make this year a fucking nightmare for um.
I have stuck a brave face on and I have fooled most that its all business as usual and all that bollox, but I have hurt this year in a way I have never hurt before, and in so many different ways for so many different reasons, all concerning my marriage breakdown, which I must say for the very first time since Jenny left took a turn for the good today, and me and Jenny actually spoke civilly to each other for the first time. It has completely smashed my head to bits to be honest. I don’t know why she came to my house, but she did, and rang me to tell me what she thought of the painting of Taz and me on the wall of the house, and to see if I had any of Courtney’s toys left at the house, which I thought I had given them all to her when she left and I dropped Courtney’s bed and stuff off. I have found some in the Wendy House, and they should be with her tonight, we held each other as soon as we got eye contact and stayed that way for a long time without saying a word, and of course I said "I love you" and she confirmed she loved me back, but we agreed there’s far too much been done and said by both of us to ever think of a reconciliation, and it has been.
I told her I would be a far better friend for her than enemy, which I really would be, and she agreed, of course we differed in our accounts of the event, but on the whole I have got to say she held it down very well for a long time, and tried very hard not to let the red mist come down and go into an anger filled rage, which is a problem she has and knows don’t help things at all in situations like this. She looked younger and she said she must thank me for what the breakdown has done to her because she feels she has learnt a lot. I don’t think it was meant as a compliment but I took it as one anyway. It was not nice to see her visibly hurting, and I was feeling exactly the same way, she made everybody that would listen to her hate me but the things she was saying about me made it too difficult and embarrassing to really say.
So she is trapped and has to pursue her course of action even if she would rather do something completely different, we are both in the same position now with the court case. I believe she is not in a good financial position at the moment, and she said she has nothing in her new flat, and wanted the fridge and bits a pieces, which I said no to, and we did agree that she did pay for the TV in the front room and wanted to take it away with her as she had Ziggy with her, that is Julia her sister's son, who I might add is not allowed anywhere near my house let alone in it. A nice kid on the nice days but not the kind of influence I would like over Genson at all, and as I have already got him out of trouble for beating girls up and mugging them only months ago, I feel I have got a right to say so.
I explained I would buy her a new TV and, as she was staying with her mum, it could wait till the January sales and I couldn’t really let her walk in with help and take my TV away on Xmas Eve, can I? I never brought up the fact that she took all 3 TV’s and Video sets from the house with the computer on the week she left, which I might add I paid for, in case it was the bit too much that stopped her being calm and I was just so grateful for the chance to talk to her.
I have missed her in so many different ways, and I know it sounds stupid but I missed her more when I saw her. There is still so much of the real Jenny in there but it’s all got pushed to the back and hidden by the way she has chosen to handle our breaking up. What was very obvious to me was the fact that if you say something long enough to everybody even if in the you end up believing it yourself, and as I have always said "fuck all come out of your mouth in anger worth a wank and is normally wrong" and it was very obvious to me she actually believes everything she has said and thinks all her action and decisions are completely justified, and right, and if I have been as wrong and as off key in any of my accounts of what went wrong in our relationship or why, fuck knows what we could do, but one thing for sure I do know, is that the police will be fucking panicking that we are talking as it would be theier biggest nightmare they ever had, if Jen did decide to do a turn about and help me give it to um back ha ha ha. But I am afraid that is not going to happen, she said she isn’t doing a book no more, she would do without the police compensation money and drop the charges and try and get on with life but with me as a friend and ally and not an enemy. As long as I write a letter saying everything I have revealed about Angela is a lie, and I have just made it all up to be nasty coz she has left me which I could not agree to do, and on that note the meeting changed course. I confirmed to her I would fuck her in court, and that is the truth, but to do so I know I will have to really hurt her by what I know, I have got to get out in court to show another side to the woman in the court claiming to be a battered wife, who left her home and children in fear of her life, from the nasty bald headed, child beating monster she has portrayed me to be, and I don’t want to do it to her. I really don’t want to be the one to fuck things up for her big time and long term, and that the way I can only see things working out, and seeing her has made me hate the police even more for how they have jumped on board and manipulated a situation to happen and be seen to be the good guys, only helping the public and doing there job. I am not happy that they have left me in a no win situation in court as far as my heart goes to win I have to hurt a woman who I have worshipped most of my life and to not hurt her, I stand the risk of going to prison. I will cross that bridge when I come to it, I will see if she meant what I thought I saw in her face on Xmas Eve and see if she just turns up with Courtney for half hour for me, and I know what I have said about cutting ties altogether with Courtney and not allowing her to have me over a barrel with Courtney by only letting me see her when it suits and keep me hurting and hoping for years and years, and that now I have had nearly a year to get over seeing her I would only stir it all up in her little head and mine, and that I'm in no doubt what so ever that one day she will just turn up on my door because way too may people know how much she meant to me, and she would be told the truth but if I am right and I hope I am she will turn up with Courtney Xmas Day, coz I aint deserved to be kept away from her for all of last year, and Jenny must feel a little bit that was a wrong move to play on me. But it all stands if I'm wrong, I couldn’t honestly say I know Jenny anymore, or could predict her next move, and I used to be able to do that very well, so I will let ya know what happened next time I see ya. I am sorry to all the people I am not gonna get back to with my 'Appy Xmas message, you don’t know how many I have fucking had and thank you all of ya.
Now to my man of the moment the master himself ‘Malcolm’ my spider on the web, he has had a fucking heart attack trying to keep up with my website this year, and he’s back as good as new now, and I love ya Malc, big time, and thanks for helping mate and you're in the big picture as a main player. The Rancid record was a big bonus for me this year and I intend to build on that in the USA, my books get published in America this year, I'm in a film at the Porn Oscars in America this year so USA im on my way
To all the unsung heroes backing me up and organising my life for me I LOVE YOU ALL TONS AND TONS, especially:
H.R.H. Donna Cox
The Royal Couple…Phil and Jayne
Paul and Aaron Stone
Jerry and Kate at www.knuckleduster.org
My pal and confident Adrian
Brendan, Seymour, Mr Fish, Eamon O’Keefe, Sam, Storm, Johnny Jacket, Mark Peters, Rob Ferguson, Byron Malet, Rory, Telboy, Steve Wraith, Ricky English, Fred and Dave at Caesars, Tally Ho Massive, Sex Shop Colin, Micky and the Six Bend Trap Firm, Francesca Manish, Lou, Joe & 2, Little Chloe, Misunderstood www.misunderstood-charity.co.uk, Little Havens, The Hell To Pay Team, Virgin Publishing, Phil and Cathy Barry, and everybody I have forgotten and I know I have.
I have tried to do the right thing with the site where me and Jen are concerned and it has been a constant topic of conversation whether I should have been so open and honest and revealing to people to just how I feel. I know it's been a major factor in me and Jenny not being able to ever get back together, and neither of us said we would of anyway, but she explained to me that it was the straw to many to forgive for her, and I looked at it as my only way to keep any dignity to reveal every thing and not just listen to rumours that were being put about, and if I was wrong in doing so I truly apologise, I really do, but I just felt that if you're right and you have got nothing to hide then why hide it, I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of anything I have done in relation to my parting with Jenny and I thought by showing the world it would show that.
I do feel very sorry for my lady Taz, who has had to put up with so much bollox this year from me and from every direction imaginable and she is only a young un herself. I apologise for all the agg she has gone through and try me best to make it up to her in the bedroom. Thank fuck for Viagra.
Anyway, I'm off out now so Happy Xmas everybody and lets really give it to um next year.
Dave Courtney OBE